Flexible Goals, Essential 6 from Anat Baniel, for Autistic parenting and a good life

If you push your child to get to the result that YOU want,
it may well be something
out of their capabilities

Results:
they will feel awful

They will learn to think of themselves as a failure

You and they will miss all the little bite sized steps that they COULD be doing

There is a wonderful story in this chapter,  of a child, with developmental delay,
who,
in the first set of lessons,
when she wasn’t pushed to “do it right” and crawl this instant,
or do something in the therapists or parents wanted,
but took small learning delights, that when she wasn’t pushed, 

but was followed where she was at,

and then her learning took off…

she made deep and  real progress


Then she went away for awhile,

after having learned rolling over and crawling and all the things

she hadn’t been able to learn when they were being foisted on her.


She went away for awhile.
Alexa did.

When kindergarden came the pressure was on big time to talk.
She wasn’t taking lessons any more.
A speech therapist at school was busy trying to strengthen her facial muscles
Alexa was having tantrums
and not learning how to talk

She was miserable and the goal of cramming speech down her throat,
more or less literally,
was backfiring big time.

So Anat, gave her a lesson where,
one,
she talked and talked and talked, Anat did,
demanding nothing from Alexa, but flooding her with language.

Suddenly, when Anat asked a question, Alexa gave a “Yes” back,
because she was enjoying the connection, ( Anat was moving her body
in the amazingly gently and feeling great ways of a lesson
(( COME GET A LESSON, OR A SERIES— dear  PARENTS,
IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE)) — the talking was “extra” over the body
learning and bliss.)

Alexa felt no pressure to talk,
so she did.

Two:
Then Anat started talking a bunch of NONSENSE SYLLABLES
to Alexa.
Who was fascinated.
Then Anat turned the nonsense syllables into the clear intonation of a question,
and Alexa gave her back a nonsense syllable answer.


 (An aside, this is a great way for grown up couples to argue)

She was talking,
at a basic level, for the first time in her life.

Anat ended the lesson at 30 minutes.
The lessons are about giving the child the maximum for real learning.
Too much can degrade the learning.

But the little girl said, “No.”
A first.
She didn’t want the lesson to end.
Anat playfully, “yes.”
then “no” “yes” back and forth as a game.

Then, Alexa leaves and runs back, “No, No, No”
“Yes, yes, yes.”

Anat agrees to continue lessons in the following weeks

if
No more speech therapy
No one in school or at home tries to get Alexa to talk.

This is agreed,

So, of course,
she learns.

Almost instantly, once the learning becomes a game
and the
pressure is off

And so, gentle reader,
Anat offers several key suggestions:

Identify 
small changes as subsets of a bigger goal

Back Off
if you discover yourself pushing where you want to go,
not where your child is ready to learn

BE ALERT
( this is mine)
pay attention to any and all small learnings,
have fun there

Don’t buy into the standard stuff
Like “tummy time”

Play
Where learning is happy, the brain groves it in

Embrace the process, not the goal:
Same as the whole post…
It’s the discovery that makes a bigger brain and a happier child

Reversibility
Change direction,
Sail where the wind will let you
Don’t force the river
all that good enlightenment stuff
applies to the simplest learning of your wonderful child

This is backing off, but the more active version:
back away from your set course,
and try something else

try anything else

Embrace mistakes:

Cherish the Connection
not the product/ goal/ task

These last two,
should be mottos in everyone’s life

but only if they want to be happy

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *